C Ed and the Pacific Northwest

A:

Typewriters

Buggy Whips

Secretaries

Wall Mounted Home Phones

Trapper Keepers

Backblasts

Q:  Name 6 things that no one in F3 Hickory (except Patty Mayo and Cousin Eddie) uses anymore.

Ok, so I haven’t used a typewriter since Typing Class at HHS, I’ve never owned a buggy whip, had a secretary, don’t even answer my home phone, and haven’t seen a Trapper Keeper since 5th grade but you get the point, right?

YHC was gone for 10 days.  In that span of time, exactly 1 BB for a Hickory bootcamp was written (thanks Patty) during my absence.  My brothers in Lenoir continue to faithfully write them but dang HKY, you’ve turned into some serious slackers.  I’m not going to preach it anymore b/c when I do I feel like that old man donning a bathrobe, no shorts, black socks, and house slippers standing in his front yard yelling at some young whipper snappers to get off his lawn.

Ok, that’s a bold faced lie, I’m still going to belly ache about writing your BB’s.  They really are useful folks.  And thank you to those that do continue to write them:  Beaker, Powder, Cropduster, HBC, Suppository to name a few.

As I mentioned, I was gone for 10 days.  Figured since we are short on BB, I’d write one of my trip and the futile attempts to fight the Sad Clown Syndrome while on vacation.

Arrived in Seattle on Thursday.  I had a sneaking suspicion that I would be up earlier than my other 4 roommates, so I laid some gear out for a run.  Went about 4.5 miles around downtown.  It was a great run.  Lots of hills, saw some rats, pop up villages for the homeless, a Space Needle, Pike Place Market, and amazing waterfront views.

Calories burned:  roughly 1/2 of what I ate for breakfast

Repeat for Saturday AM except I didn’t go for a run.  I hailed one of those fancy Uber rides to Gas Works Park for an F3 Puget Sound workout.  Was super excited about this.  If you haven’t had the experience of going to another F3 region’s workout, I highly recommend it.  It’s a completely different experience.  The workout was really good.  As with Hickory, there are some super in shape dudes and some not-so super in shape dudes.  Some of the workout was boring and Candyland’esque and other parts were ball busters.  One workout to report:  we ended up at a basketball court.  Q call:  everyone take a free throw shot.  Shooter calls an exercise.  Miss?  Everyone does 10 burpees.  Make?  Do exercise that was called.  Airball?  15 burpees.  Your boy here was trying to be the polite southerner that I am and let almost everyone go before I did.  Horrible decision as everyone (out of 20’ish) missed except for 1 dude.

The whole time everyone else is shooting, I’m critiquing their form and laughing to myself.

“That dude sucks”

“Has he ever held a basketball?”

“It’s called a FREE throw for a reason, ass clown”

“Hey loser, my moms can shoot better than you”

Finally it’s your boy’s turn.

“I’m going to show these boys what’s up”….as I attempt to lift the ball into my perfectly sweet form, I notice something.  I can barely lift my arms above my shoulders.  Oh crap.  Too late to back out now…just shoot it asshole.  Ball released, here’s goes that swish I’ve been telling myself was coming.

CLANG!

I barely hit the bottom of the backboard.  No shit.  The top 1/4 of the ball scrapes the bottom of the backboard by 2 inches.  Oh well, at least it wasn’t an airball.  Back to the burpees.

Another thing to note.  We finished on top of a hill that Strava appropriately calls Gasworks Boob Climb.  That hill had a view of a lake overlooking downtown Seattle that was awesome.  Everyone circle up.  Here comes a great WOD….wait, why did everyone just sit down Indian Style (Criss Cross Applesauce for the Millennials)?  After naming 2 FNG’s the Q asks if anyone had a good life lesson.  Huh?  What the?  Then one of the FNG’s who is a yoga teacher gives some buttery fluff thing about harmony and universe or some crap.  Unfortunate way to end an otherwise great time w/ these dudes.  Oh well, get my stuff out of someone’s Bentley (thanks guy and nice ride…if you’re wanting to give off that But of Course I have some Grey Poupon look that is) and get in Uber.  Shared Uber that is, and hell no I don’t want to walk an extra 5 blocks so that I can save 4 minutes on my riding partner’s trip.

Calories burned:  1/3 of upcoming breakfast

Next morning on cruise ship…your boy was up at 3:00 am this glorious morning.  You know what else was up?  The sun.  That’s right, sunset at 10:30’ish.  Sun up at 3:30’ish.  It’s crazy as it never got dark the whole trip.  Got dressed, tried to run laps around the boat’s deck.  One issue:  40 mph winds.  The only spot I could find any relief was on the back of the boat on the 16th deck.  Great view.  Did about 3 burpees, couple of arm circles…LBC’s….merkins…man, this is a lot tougher solo than with the HKY crew (TWSS).  Even though I’m not moving very much, Garmin is telling me that I’m doing a 2 min./mile pace.  Huh?  Oh yeah, I’m on a moving boat.  Made myself stay out there for about 25 minutes.  I gave myself the most lollypop workout ever.  Oh well, time to eat baby.  Fittin’ to gorge on 24 hours of glorious buffet….sign says BUFFET OPENS AT 6:00.  Holy crap, it’s only 3:30.  Time for a pre-breakfast, post-workout nap.  Wake back up at 4:30…..man this is going to be the longest day of my life.  Finally, it’s 6:00.  I’m so wound up about all this crap about opening at 6:00 – I mean, who waits to eat at 6:00 am Alaska Time?  That’s 1st Lunch Time back home –  that I decide to stick it to the man by gorging myself.  4 plates down, I realize that I’ve stuck it to them enough.  Time:  6:30.  What the hell do I do know?  Is the bar open?  Not until 12:00….what the holy hell is this?  Time for 2nd nap.  Great day.  Pretty sure I was in bed by 8:00.

Back at it in Skagway.  Tuesday.  In the 36 hours that have passed since any type of elevated heart rates from you boy, I have consumed at least 9 meals.  Still getting up super early.  Found a 24 hour coffee joint.  Life is getting better.  Boat is docked.  Wife and kids are gone – only after a short “where the hell is Charlie” episode (damn 3rd kid problems).  I have the boat to myself for about 3 hours.  Let’s roll.  Run 3 laps around the top of the boat.  What a beautiful day….One more lap.  Let’s check out Skagway.  Disembark (this is what people on cruises call “gettin’ off the boat), and hit the town running.  Pretty flat.  Saw a bridge.  Where’s that go?  Trail run!  Yes.  Very quickly I’m headed up a big hill.  No one around.  No one knows where i am.  I’m in the middle of the woods and there are shit tons of bears around these parts.  Better start making some noise.  This isn’t the best idea, Hoot.  Really, have you seen pictures of dudes that have been mauled by a bear?  It’s not like they kill you quickly.  It’s more like a “hey this part looks good…no, wait, this ear looks tasty, oh his abdomen doesn’t have enough slash marks on it”.  It’s more like a Death by Gnawing.  Let’s head back.  Finish up with about 4.5 miles.  Not too bad, fella.  Congrats, you’ve burned off one full meal.  You should celebrate by having another huge one.

Calories consumed:  Don’t even bother

Last one.  This was a day at sea again.  Middle of the afternoon.  All of my workout stuff smelled like Death by Anus Gnawing.  Oh well, I’ll never see these tools again.  Put on DbAG clothes and head to the gym-thing.  Pump some 2 lb dumbells.  I mean 200.  Couple other miserable solo weighty things.   Get all swole up.  Let’s hit the Treadmill.  It’s been a while, old friend.  Manage to 3 extrutiating miles off of that sombitch.  It was sheer misery.  Screw this, I bolted outside for more laps around the boat.  We were going pretty slow, so the winds were minimal.  Felt nice and cool out too.  I’m sure that the folks inside the gym-thing appreciated me leaving w/ my stank clothes.  Did exactly one burpee (1st Place, Bitches).  Call it a day…time for more buffet action.

Notes:

• great trip.  Save up and do it.  Well worth it.
  • the calories.
  • Not the money.  Holy hell, that’s an expensive trip
• Flying sucks.
  • flying with young kids is the worst
  • I don’t like huge crowds
• Seattle is one of my favorite cities, but the people are 50% dicks.  Wait, 50% of the people are dicks.  That sounds better, right?
• For years I’ve heard that cruise food is the best.  In my opinion, cruise food is the best as long as your normal benchmark for good food is Golden Corral.
  • In fact, my brother (Big’n for those that don’t know him) coined it the Floating Golden Corral.  Spot on.
•  Canadian Coast Guard had to evacuate a sickly passenger.  Watching this process did not restore my faith in the Canadian Coast Guard.  It was like a Three Stooges episode in color.  Only thing missing was the theme music and sound effects.
• Alaska is truly a special place.  Unspoiled by man.  There were several stretches of land where we could see zero traces of man.  The water is clean, clear, and full of wildlife.  No joke, I’ve a lot of this great country and this place makes most of it seem like Alexander County (sorry boys, I couldn’t resist).
  • This is not true for the ports that you stop in.  The town of Skagway itself is eerily similar to Pigeon Forge/Myrtle Beach/etc.  The only thing that was missing were the 500 lb grandmothers strolling around on a scooter, licking on a 5 lb stick of salt water taffy
    • NOTE TO SELF:  Business idea.  5 lb. Salt Water Taffy shop in Skagway inside of a scooter rental joint
• My son caught a King Salmon.  That was worth the price of admission to witness him reel that sucker in.  Roughly 20 lbs.  We’re having him for dinner tonight.
  • The fish, not Thomas you sick bastard.
  • For what it’s worth.  I could have walked into all of the grocery stores in HKY, bought their entire combined stock of salmon and still would have saved money compared to the price of that one fish….but that’s ok.  #memories!
• Hope that the dude from F3 Puget Sound that drives a Bentley doesn’t read this.  He was my partner during some exercises and was literally slower than the last day of school.  Super nice cat though.  Holla if you’re ever in the HKY?  Pardon me, do you have any Grey Poupon….
• I missed all you ugly dudes in HKY.  Holding true to form, I woke up at 3:00, 4:00, and 4:30 Monday morning in anticipation of posting at ER after getting back in town.  It was a great feeling to be back.

It really was an incredible trip and one that I’ll remember until I’m an old bastard sitting in a wheelchair with a quarter pounder in my Depends.

The aforementioned is currently estimated to take place, Spring ’22.

See you in the gloom as soon as I get back on East Coast time.

Ed out