Just some observations from the road between Columbia and Charleston:
– Unicorn Deathmatch Rainbow Dinosaur team: You. Are. Annoying.*
Quick Notes from Van1:
Sooner easily wins the Fastest Guy that Looks Like the Slowest Guy ever award
– Powder’s new favorite song is Sandstorm: https://youtu.be/ujKRFbPYUmM
– Kapowski easily wins the Hell of a Lot Faster than I Thought Even Though He Already Looks Fast Award.
– Retread wins the Fastest Man that Looks Like he Spent the Night in a Homeless Shelter Award as well as Fastest Dude w/ Frodo’s Feet Award. Cut. Your. Toenails.
– Suppository wins the Fastest Dude that Pulls for the Worst Team Ever award. Come on man, you went to State. Also Kudos for tying w/ Jordache on the Most Mangled Up Toes award
Van 2:
– Flamer brings home the Fastest Among the 2 Slowest Dudes Award. Otherwise known as the 2nd Slowest Dude on the Team. Flamer also wins the most deceiving speed award. I ran several training runs w/ him and he was going at 11:00 paces. Then my boy decides that he can go for a 7:30 pace on his 2nd leg. Damn son. That was the nail in the coffin for my “slowest dude has to chug a beer bet”. Well played. Not that I had a shot anyway.
– Jordache. Not sure where to start w/ this guy. Possibly the Most Interesting Man in NW Hickory. He runs balls out until he can’t. Doesn’t review any routes. Literally calls me on #34 to figure out where to turn…as he’s running. Also texted us once or twice just to check in…as he’s running. And running at a 6:30 pace, mind you. Dude also performed minor surgery on his toes with a safety pin and clippers at a gas station.
– Gasser wins the Sleepyhead Award. Guy was out like a light for at least 10 hours and farted for 4 of those. Much appreciated for bringing everything that we needed. No joke, I came back w/ more crap than what I brought. I think I need to give you the red shorties as your going away present. Just don’t judge when the inside liner looks like there was a wreck between a Hersey’s truck and a oil tanker, ok?
– Sleeper, thanks for the drive. It’s a crappy job and you did it well. And by well, I mean we all survived. You also are a pretty intense snorer.
– I. Am. Slow.
– Don’t call me a runner. Still and always #iamnotarunner
– The red short shorts are officially retired. YHC suffered some serious ham hock rash on my inner thighs and they weren’t doing me any favors on the last leg. They bunch in all the wrong places.
– Wet Wipes are a new Must Have.
– My apologies to the landowner that is now the new unfortunate owner of my roadside deuce. It’s not personal.
– To the pastor that apparently had no idea that 1000+ runners were about to borrow her parking lot for the night, we’re sorry that we used Jesus’ Parking Lot for our sinnin’. Really glad she didn’t catch me and Flamer in our hammocks in Jesus’ playground or there’d a been trouble for sure.
– SC, your roads are horrible. Enough w/ the rumble strips already?
– Bing, I hate that you didn’t get the chance to sport your Macho Man getup. Save it for later, I’m sure you’ll find another use for it soon.
– Hey all you P70 chicks, try to remember that the P200 dudes are trying to sleep when you start. Any chance you could tone down the chatter and take some driving lessons between now and 2018 P200? Or at least try to figure out how to turn off the van’s headlights? That’s great, thanks.
– Last two relays that I did, P200 and BRR I originally gave a “no” when asked to do it. Pretty sure that’s the last one that I do that to.
* I do like the dude in the American Flag speedo. I’ll cut him some slack. Otherwise, keep your horn honking into the EZ “hey everybody look at us” to your damn self. Also, the big dude in the cheeta short shorts is ok by me. Ok, fine they’re probably ok just quit your horn honking, will ya?
– if you made it all the way down here, your name is Cropduster (and that’s what she said too).
ADDENDUM 1, 3.28.17:
Addendums are construction speak for “oh shit, I left off something” by the way. You ever have that feeling that you know you’ve forgotten something but you just can’t figure out what it is? I had that feeling as I posted this yesterday and then figured out what/who it was this morning. BEAKER! Sorry brother. And to think that my man Q’d this am in his famous LifeGuard wife beater and Budweiser bathing suit. Of all people to forget, dang man. Tell you what, I’ll buy you a breakfast beer tomorrow. Deal? I didn’t see you run, I heard you nailed it though. Proud to know you sir. Seriously, you couldn’t walk 2 weeks ago and you busted out a 8:00 pace. For the record, I holla’d at your moms AND sister after the race….so I got that going for me. Wait, they holla’d at me first. Does that mean anything? No, but it sounds cooler. Well crap, I tried to tie something about holla’in at your moms and sister and the race but that’s all I got. TWSS.
Finally,
Ed OUT
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